Wednesday, March 18, 2009
i have no idea how to describe the kind of anger that i am feeling now. as i type i feel my hands shaking piteously, my fingers banging worthlessly on the keyboard. i am so exasperated i wanna cry, but that would simply aggravate my current emotional condition. i despise the fact that i am giving in to my anger. it is infuriating.
i hate to conform, especially to that disgusting social testimony. i hate people who tries to make me conform. i may be cynical, but the more they do it, the more i come to abhor what they are trying oh-so-desperately to impose on me. i hate it when i am powerless to do the things i want to, to fight for my desires. even the incapability of finding the right words to express myself annoys me; that's probably why i ended up with a damnable D for GP, that D that ruined everything that i could have achieved, everything i had wished for.
what's so interesting about a life that has been planned out scrupulously? i don't want it. i refuse to take the easy way out. i would rather suffer my way to success; this would make it more treasurable wouldn't it? what's the point of living a peaceful and conventional life? life isn't life without it's up and downs. don't claim to know what's 'best for me'. don't try to force upon me your own perception of life. don't compare me to other people and attempt to steer me onto their path of life. it's repulsive. this life is mine and mine alone.
sometimes i don't even think i'm living for myself. everything i do, i do it to satisfy your desires and expectations. i feel like i'm living to serve you and your materialistic thinking. i fear, and i am grossed out by the realisation that i'm changing my mindset just to comply with your vision. i fear i'm losing myself; and now i know i'm not far from it.
i act like i know what i'm doing, just because that's what you want to see. in the end you simply snuff out my efforts with a simple 'you don't know what you're doing'. you have been watching me struggle like some arid joke, haven't you. i have seen how you have always looked at me with that apparent disdain in your eyes. i feel like a fool.
i am, i have to admit, fighting a losing battle. i could never win when the enemy, alas, is striking me down with bits of reality.
Nini @ 9:10 PM